"Erase myself..."

"And let go of what I've done..." - Linkin Park, "What I've Done"

Bren & I are fans of "The Biggest Loser", so you can find us on Tuesday nights at home in front of the idiot box cheering/crying/yelling at those we love & love-to-hate on the show. Last night one team was allowed to go home for a week, which was both a blessing & a curse to each member. Being secluded on campus with access to a gym & ONLY healthy options for food , it's easy to lose weight and drop huge numbers. In the real world filled with temptations even bigger than those during challenges and limited access to a gym or swimming pool - the struggle to lose weight is greater and more difficult.

The one thing that reminded me so much of my former-self were the clips of both Dina & Shay going out to eat with their families. Both of them were dumb-founded and shocked at the meals people were eating around them. Gently prodding her husband to get a doggy-bag for the rest of his massive burrito, Dina got the response "Doggy-bags are for dessert" as he shoved another forkful in his mouth. Shay was dismayed as her family ate greasy chicken fingers, ranch dressing, chicken wings, many of the things she used to enjoy. She had a sad epiphany, her stepchildren were eating like this because that's what they had seen her eat over the years. She taught them by example and she was both ashamed & saddened by that.

And I thought about the things I used to do to abuse myself. All the extra orders of fries, burgers, 2-liters, gallons of ice cream I downed in one sitting without a second thought. Here's an example of a typical fast food order for myself - this was just MY order:

Whopper w/ cheese, heavy pickle & ketchup
Cheeseburger, heavy pickle & ketchup
King-size fry King-size onion ring
King-size Dr. Pepper
Chocolate pie (not the usual, but often)

I could down all of this in one sitting, over 3000 calories of food, and not blink twice. Buffets were to me a paradise of gluttony. I could simply eat plate after plate after plate after plate, only stopping when I felt the food begin to come back up. And then stick my hand into a bag of chips when I got home from the restaurant. Food became (and still is) my drug-of-choice when dealing with stress or depression in my life. I've often said that it may in many cases be easier for a smoker or alcoholic to quit their addictions because they do not need those vices in order to live. Food addicts have to struggle with their choices everyday because food is needed for the sustainability of life.

Often when Bren and I go out to eat now, we typically share a meal (unless it's a special occasion). It wouldn't be uncommon to see us out at Logan's Roadhouse with the following at our table:
Logan's Roadhouse 8oz sirloin (split in half)
Side of fries (for Bren)
Small Caesar salad (for me)
Coke or ice water (for Bren)
Unsweetened iced tea w/ lemon (for me)

It's satisfying but not over-filling. I am sure there are those that read this note and think I'm crazy or nutty, but I'm not who I was. I am constantly learning how to eat properly, a lesson that I am continually reminded of. I have to tell myself each and every day that I'm not that guy anymore, I don't need food for comfort when I have a bad day. Food isn't going to fix the depression I am feeling at this moment.

I need to remember my past has been blotted out. I AM a new creation...

"He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west." Ps 103:12, NLT

"This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!" 2 Cor 5:17, NLT


MattyV
www.iweighedmorethanjared.com