"Suicide..."

"Don't do it!" - Big Fun (fictional band from the movie, "Heathers")

The other day when it was found that actor Andrew Koenig ("Boner" of "Growing Pains" fame) had taken his own life at a favorite park of his in Canada, it brought back some memories that weren't so favorable in my life. Hearing reporters, friends, & even his parents talk about Andrew's bouts of deep depression brought me back to my college days. I knew exactly where Andrew was on the day he ended his life because I had been there but thankfully stepped back from the edge.

My first (and only) year at college was an overwhelming experience for me. I had lived a pretty sheltered life, my parents had divorced when I was 12 or 13 & my mom kept me under her thumb until I was 18 years old. I was originally set to go to GVSU, but later changed my mind and headed down to Kalamazoo to join some friends that were going to Western Michigan University. Being 45min from home isn't that far, but for an 18 year old freshman on his own for the first time - it was like being a million miles away.

I was late in the game to apply & be accepted so I ended up in the very last orientation class which was held a few days before college officially started with the campus move-in day & class registration. It was lonely being in that dorm room by myself for those first few nights. I'd wander the campus after orientation, check out the local video store, & basically get my bearings before the entire student body arrived.

My roommate showed up that weekend, a sophomore that wanted to have his own room but was stuck with a roommate until one could be found. Did I mention he was a 6'6" black guy that liked Mad Dog 20/20 (we were on a non-alcohol floor) & pornography? The classes were over my head as well, such gems as Political Science 101, Black American Theater, Philosophy 101. I kid you not, I had to take BAT because it was the only class available to get me to my full credit status.

I had been used to 20-25 students in a class and I believe the lowest class size I had was around 75 students. Instead of a name I was a number. I was not prepared for this. Things got worse as people I basically grew up with went down different paths. One became a drug addict & the other one turned to alcohol. I felt even lonelier.

I began retreating more & more into myself, skipping class, sleeping late, eating in the cafeteria downstairs at least 5 times a day. I really didn't care anymore. Thanksgiving approached & I got word that they were shutting down the dorm for the week. Anyone staying in the dorm during that time needed to access it through the basement maintenance corridors. I opted to stay instead of going home, by then I had hit rockbottom.

The more time I spent alone, the more worthless I felt, the more worthless I felt, the more depressed I became until I hatched a plan to end it all. The dorms were deserted by then, I carried out my departure from this earth. I went to the local video store and stocked up on my favorite movies, headed over to the taco stand and picked up a dozen greasy turkey tacos (how appropriate), sat there for a few days, watched the movies & contemplated suicide.

I had a knife, a mother-of-pearl pocketknife that my father had given me a few years prior. It was sharp, made sure of that. Then the time came. I sat in the suite shower for what seemed like hours, the warm water splashing down on me. I thought of the surprise my roommate & suitemates would find, a blue & bloated corpse sitting in their shower. I thought of all the girls that had hurt me, all the taunts I received, the abuse I had gotten, my college experience was the last straw.

I was ready. I was primed. Everything was starting to fall into place, but I hesitated. Deep down inside I felt something. A tiny voice deep inside telling me, "Don't do this, you don't have to do this." I had never heard that voice before. It got stronger & louder as I sat there until I dropped the knife & began to weep. I let the emotions come out. I got up, shut off the shower, closed the pocketknife, & cleaned up. I "checked out" of college after that, skipping all classes & just basically living in the dorm.

That was the lowest point in my life. I admit that I do get depressed from time to time, but I don't allow it to get bottled up or build to the levels that led to my attempt. Blogging, praying, meditation, & just plain talking help me through those times.

I share this story because I never want anyone to feel that helpless ever. There is help out there, talk to friends, family, find a support group or counselor. If you're a friend or family member and you notice changes in someone - withdrawn, mood swings, depressive talk, don't explain it away or gloss over it. These are cries for help. I pray no one has to go through what the Koenig family has had to go through.

You're not worthless, you're priceless - remember that...


MattyV
www.iweighedmorethanjared.com